first try! :D
When will I feel better? Every night since you were gone, i can’t help but to shed tears upon your death. I want to move on so badly but I have no idea how. For a moment, I feel so useless. Just what can I do? My heart feels empty, everyday I feel such anxiety, such fear but I have no idea why am I feeling this way. I have never felt so lonely, I feel like I’m facing everything alone. I need help but idk how to express myself to people around me. I have problems expressing my emotions through words, because words like happy or sad or angry doesn’t entirely describe how i feel. The intensity of the words are not comparable to what I’m feeling right now. Idk how to tackle this. Idk what to do. All I want is to share with somebody but I can’t seem to do so. I feel like I’m breaking down anytime soon, soon. I’m really feeling outrageously “weird”
How do I move on?
Ahma, I miss you so much.. When you were sent into the crematorium, I was so upset. I kept crying. That pain is indescribable. I longed for your care and concern. When I set my mind down, to fulfill my filial piety towards you, you were gone.. Without any notice. It is all my fault. Why didnt I learn to treasure you? Why didn’t I take care of you earlier? Why didnt I learn my lesson earlier? No one understands how I feel.. I am like a unfilial granddaughter, who makes you worry about me everyday. That moment when they lighted a fire on your coffin, I cried so badly. Screaming, “ahma, come back” that was when reality sets in. when I finally faced the music, you are gone forever. No matter what I do, you can never be back. You will never be able to scold me, to nag at me and to cook for me. Ahma, when I look at the photo of you upon your grave, then I realised how much hurt and worries I have cast upon you. I realised how lousy I am. I realised all I can do is just making you worried, never once making you happy or proud. Ahma, I promise you, I’ll study very hard. I’ll listen to whatever you’ve said before you left. I’ll make you proud. I’ll stay happy. You must stay happy. I love you so much ahma.
Life is full of choices. Everyday, we make decisions. Have we wondered whether our decisions are right or wrong? Even the slightest things; our meals, our time, we make decisions. No one can stop us, they can only influence us. But how many of us could stay firm to our decisions according to our beliefs, to our principles and by our conscience? Everyday I see people feeling upset, feeling angry, feeling happy, etc, everyday I see many people in all sorts of emotion. This is a decision. But why cant I do so too? why do I get affected so easily over an insignificant problem? I don’t have the ability to stand up for myself. I don’t have such audacity. My life is in a mess. I have no clear idea where I am heading to, where am I supposed to be. If you know, i am talking about you. You muck up everything, you and your philosophy. I am glad I am out of your absurdity. You’ve changed so much. Yes, you’re the apple of many people’s eyes. You’re the leprechaun of most people but definitely not mine. Stop pretending, stop wallowing in self-pity, stop living in your past and start living right. Your presence is abhorred. I know you’ll read this, so I have to tell you. Don’t lose another friend like how you have lost me. Don’t treat any of your friends like me. Don’t blame others for what you’ve done. Don’t presume that you have give in the most. Stop having that mindset. And I’m sorry to say, you’re officially blacklisted and OUT of my life. All your actions awaken me. They revealed how stupid and naive I was to actually be the one that trust you. Yes, you can go on and tell anyone about this but it doesn’t bother me a single bit. Come to think of it, you are such an atrocious girl. I know what you’re gonna do next. I am prepared for that.
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